Poem by Martin Luther

"Feelings come and feelings go,
And feelings are deceiving;
My warrant is the Word of God--
Naught else is worth believing.

Though all my heart should feel condemned
For want of some sweet token,
There is One greater than my heart
Whose Word cannot be broken.

I'll trust in God's unchanging Word
Till soul and body sever,
For, though all things shall pass away,
HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!"
— Martin Luther

the first step

is the hardest.

next hardest would be the next step. winning the war is as difficult as winning your next battle.

it's easy to dream big. to believe that one can actually make a difference, that one can actually be better and gear towards perfection, or in fact, just be a really good person. Godly, caring, loving, understanding, patient person who would be such a good testimony to the God we serve.

yet, more often than not, the first step into making any of those big dreams into reality is hard. in fact, the hardest step. Fear that holds back, sin that creeps, self-centredness that looms, and a lack of faith. A quote used by my pastor at church goes "Do not despise little faith, for it brings us to heaven. But big faith brings heaven to earth!" All in all, setting ones vision on the wrong things could so easily derail us from acheiving that God-given potential to be transformed in His likeness. Not having a firm hold of the truth, focusing on petty things and worries that chokes the little faith - so often shouts out more of me, less of you God!

Unfortunately, we are of sinful nature, despite the glorious victory Jesus acheived on that wonderful cross, we are innately sinful till the day this flesh is no more, and without much checking and realignment, the flesh fated for death, wanders all so often. Even when we think we are doing fine.

But praise be to God as His grace is enough. The same grace that brings us salvation will lead us home. The same grace that says "I've come to give life and life abundantly".

Still, i want to run this race well. I want to be able to say that when i arrive at the finishing line. God, give me eyes not wander from You, a heart that is firmly set in your truth and a faith that is unmovable. Renew me and let me embrace and understand your love that overcomes all else. Today and always.

thank you God

Thank you God,

that i can never outrun you,

that nothing i've done will make you love me more

or less

that You never cease to care

Your mercies are new every morning.

My name means grace,

and grace is what i've received.

oh how amazing it is to receive this gift that i do not deserve.

thank You God

that you are always by my side

even through the wilderness

or treacherous valleys

deserts or oasis,

You are still the air I breathe

the water i drink

the bread i eat.

:)

i don't know...

It's been a long time. i've meant to update, but never actually end up publishing any of my planned updates.

where do we start?

holidays were fantastic. tiring, but amazing. technically, was before the 28/10 post. Switzerland...esp, amazing place! admiring the Swiss lakes and mountains, Alps, flowers, palaces, cathedrals, cities, towns, villages, walking the roads of Rome, family. a good break from medicine indeed. just quite tiring! haha...

GP. initial thoughts - hmm, perhaps, loads of sore throats, worried moms, referrals for the more exciting bits but more variation to normal hospital stuff and much more relaxing than O&G?

3 weeks into it, and found while some of the above were true, i was really pleasantly surprised, how much i really liked GP. Bathgate was a small, nice town, where everyone kind of knows everyone. Loved the journeys there minus the price tag and times when weather wasn't that good. But just being able to get there at sunrise and get back before sunset, watch the sky being painted as the train rolls on, see the little birds chirp and fly in their formations, weaving in and out of the golden autumn leaves. amazing. People were really nice as well. My tutor was fantastically amazing. Sometimes too nice that when he complemented me, i can't really tell whether it was genuine. but he was really really too nice. had probably one of the shortest hours among my peers, just because he wanted me to enjoy my time in GP. insisted i get there and home at a 'good' hour. told me to come in on the train that gets there 5 minutes late instead of the one that gets there 30 mins early, though in the end i took the earlier train most days anyway.

We had to do video assesments for GP (where our consultation gets videoed then we get assessed based on it and based on how we critiqued ourselves based on it). On the day i was meant to do it, patients just somehow didn't give consent as they normally do, so I had to stay back till 6. GP started apologizing profusely to me for being 'so LATE' despite 6 being the normal time for most students to end. He insisted that he send me back to edinburgh even though i could have take a train. And quite cute in a way said 'that if you trust me to drive you home'. was initially scared - it was quite a journey, and being alone 1-1 in the car with him, he's nice, but don't know whether i'll run out of things to say and whether there'll be awkward silence. but it was probably one of the best, deepest chats i had in a long long time about life in general, medicine, GP life, emotional patients, family, friends, church, other work, elective plans. He used to work in Egypt with refugees from Sudan for 2 years, and it really sounded very very exciting... which made me curious and is still tempting me on changing my elective plans from Malaysia to there if i don't get a place in Columbia. hmmph.

anyway, GP was good fun. Was much more satisfying then i thought it would be. Loads of emotional patients with mild-severe psychiatric problems. loved the variety of patients and just being able to know patients as humans and people and explore their personality, thoughts, worries, likes, dislikes, how they live, how they work, their family, their life(!) rather than just knowing them as someone defined by their disease. realised how much i really want to do medicine and rediscover why i want to do it - with all the tea breaks and travelling time, there sure was loads of time for reflections.

before i move on, let me just add 2 poems i read in a book in GP.

Give me a doctor, partridge-plump,
Short in the leg and broad in the rump,
An endomorph with gentle hands,
Who'll never make absurd demands
That I abandon all my vices,
Nor pull a long face in a crisis,
But with a twinkle in his eye
Will tell me that I have to die. (WH Auden)

and the parody...

Give me a doctor underweight,
Computerised and up-to-date,
A businessman who understands
Accountancy and target bands.
Who demonstrates sincere devotion
To audit and to health promotion -
But when my outlook's for the worse
Refers me to the practice nurse. (Mary Campkin)

somehow these two poems, really made me thought a lot about what kind of doctor i want to be.

which leads me to my next part.

Neuro. ending my 1st week. I've always thought i like neuro as a subject. I still do. Ever since my attachment with Dr Soo's neuro clinic in Kch, i knew that there'll always be one thing that'll make me not want to be a neurologist - the helplessness and frustration when it comes to managing neuro patients with untreatable conditions. And guess what? I still have the same feelings. these same two feelings which push me in a dilemma. was really looking forward towards this block to see whether neuro is for me or not. But all i've known so far is my previous arguments for and against doing neurology is standing even greater than before.

there are other factors though. one thing i find, this is a horribly broad generalisation but i love GPs, i love haematologists (except the evil OSCE lady that thinks smiling to students during exams is unacceptable), i love oncologists, i like most physicians.... but i don't find myself liking neurologists. somehow they just don't seem to be as nice. They are really smart people, but maybe it is this smart-ness that brings a different personality with them. some are quite quirky, others sarcastic at patients behaviour (for example, how can mrs so and so do this? Isn't that funny?! * burst out laughing*) some expect a lot from students (and scoffs at their flaws), others whom really sound like the doctor in the 2nd poem - diagnose someone with a horrible disease then just refer on with no strings attached. having said that i've met a few really nice neurologists.

the other thing is, between then and now, i've learn that in a lot of medicine we are helpless anyway. there'll be the chronic heart failure patients in cardio whom just deteriorates, the chronic kidney disease pts on dialysis in renal, the random horrible diseases in rheumatology, pulmonary fibrosis in respi etc etc which you are essentially helpless. i've perhaps learn to see that cure may not be our main aim in certain fields with certain patients. so in patients like motor neurone disease, helping them getting adequate care as their disease progresses should bring satisfaction... or will it not? bahhh.... i don't know.

who on earth are we trying to be?

Medical students and doctor wannabes - no matter how old or how young always give you that cheesy 'i want to save the world when i grow up' feel. They almost invariably will answer 'I want to help people' or the likes of that whenever ask 'why do you want to study medicine?' or 'why do you want to be a doctor?'

why on earth do i want to be a doctor?

to be a hero? this grandiose idea of serving people, saving people from the nasty jaws of death, picking them up in their gloomiest conditions and flying them into beautiful sunnier places ala some cartoon superhero? to help the weak? or even dare to say to make this world a better place?

oh just hang on a minute. who on earth are we trying to be?

patients look to us like the elite of society with mystical powers to foretell the future and change it in their favour. They look to us as if we are noble and pure, with a heart that understand all ills and ears that can actually stand listening to them talk about it. oh don't forget patience to see all patients. They see us as a beacon of hope, to tell them it's okay, it's alright, it's not cancer, your so-and-so is not going to die because we are going to save and heal whoever needs saved and healed. or even when it's time to die their peaceful death, to be by their side, and hold their hand, stop short of saying how much we love them? They want us to be all that, or even more. to be like God himself?

but perhaps looking all the way back in the history of this profession, doctors have acted and been treated like God. They command and demand. They instruct without question. They played with life and death. Most were noble and to be held high in public eye. They were respected, adored sometimes worshipped.

Yet, how hard it is to tell those looking at us as such - as pillars of hope, healers of all ills, providers of comfort, that we are actually not God. We can't offer you the potion that you seek, the reassurance that you want, the comfort that you seek. We can't guarantee you a healthy, long, well-lived, disease free life. We can't even offer you a worriless day or a nightmare-less night. We sometimes wish we could, but we just can't. We are as human as you, bound by the same flaws. We have our own problems - perhaps not much different from yours. You may be surprised on hearing this, but we are actually indeed human through and through.

Perhaps, before i tell them poor patients, i shall remind myself, that i'm indeed not in pursuit of being God himself. Strange thing to remind yourself. Imagine a note pasted on your wall saying 'You're not God'. Yet, the joy and the relief it brings. With great power comes great responsibility, and we are definitely not here to shoulder the responsibility of God!

and greater joy comes with knowing that our God who is loving, powerful, mighty, all-knowing is indeed in total, sovereign control. Our God Reigns!

Before and After - Jimmy Needham

I've been studying alot while listening to music, and i've been listening a lot to this guy since my last post... really like many many many of his songs... but just wanted to share this one today.

I said you gotta leave, you gotta promise me
It’s the beginning of my end, you gotta promise me
How can a holy God renew a wicked Pharisee
I’m saying I’m like Peter in the boat, so just depart from me
It seems I’m destined for doom like ancient prophesy
And in the dark I’m consumed, it’s just too much for me
With sin in full bloom, my gloom booms by the full moon
And I’m thinking to myself, ‘how can You rescue me?’

CHORUS
My before and after
I can’t but sing
My before and after
I’ll sing praises to my King
My before and after
Here’s the anthem, let it ring
One love, two arms, three scars
Draw us to where You are
No one is too far for You to save a heart

Then in the darkness of this room, You snuck up next to me
You put your hand upon my wound and whispered ‘rest in me’
And there I stepped out of the tomb and into destiny
The rest they say is history
Your grace is such a mystery

(Chorus)

I got a name change
And that’s the strange thing
‘Cause I was once stained
But now I’m called saint

--------------

:)

Being Small - Jimmy Needham

even with all those ads, there's one big reason i like spotify - discovering new songs under related artists.

just discovered Jimmy Needham today, and i really like his music. sounds like jason mraz, james morrison, owl city mashed together, and i like all of them. haha..... nice lyrics too... "You know pride not just summer comes before the fall?" hahaha.... :)

Why I wanna be a hurricane when I’m barely a breeze?
'Cause I’ve already seen Your storm bring me down to my knees
Just when we think we’ve made it high enough
You knock us back to the ground
We’re all trying to move up fast, can’t see the contrast
Of how the King came down
'Cause I can’t build my towers higher
And live inside your fire
No no, no no no

Whenever I climb too high
Keep my feet on the ground
And when I get full of me
Turn me upside down
You know pride and not just summer
Come before the fall
So if it's You that’s gettin' bigger I don’t mind
Being small
Being small

Maybe if I shout real loud maybe then I'll draw a crowd
And then they'll finally cheer
Or maybe I should tone down, never make a sound out
Anything to draw them near
Maybe there's more to life then trying to make a name
Even though they say it ain't so
So maybe I should step on down
Hand off the King's crowns
To the guy on the throne
'Cause I can’t build my towers higher
And live inside your fire
No no, no no no

These people won't miss me
I'll be out of their memories
The ground will forget me for sure
Only one is remembered
One name to be treasured is Yours